Why Can’t a Woman Be More Like a Man?

There are a lot of things you can use to draw lines that separate one type of person from another. Red states/blue states. Coke/Pepsi. Fried/Grilled. San Francisco Giants/Oakland A’s.

But my personal favorite line is this one: loves musicals/hates musicals. I’m in the former camp. My brothers? Latter camp. It’s a pretty good line, the kind that can neatly bisect a family.  (I’d like to add here,  for the purposes of strict historical accuracy, that those throwing up noises in the background, the ones I tried to ignore while I was concentrating on The King and I?  They were NOT my brother Ed, who loves musicals.  They were a different brother, who has not yet come forward to claim responsibility or deny involvement.) 

My own children have inherited whatever gene produces the love of musicals. Especially the youngest, who is as fond of musicals as I am and often chooses, as a conversation starter, the following type of question: “which do you like more: Mary Poppins or The Sound of Music”? You might be surprised to learn (depending on which side of the line you’re on), that this topic can take a very long time — a lifetime really — to answer satisfactorily.

But until today, when I tried to answer a series of questions posed by Mandarine about gender differences, I hadn’t realized just how handy musicals can be in sorting out tricky feminist issues. Say you want to address the interesting subject of how and why women and men differ from each other. Well, here’s your answer, both to the how and why, and it comes straight from Messrs. Lerner and Loewe.

As you’ll see, one part of the answer is that women are different from men because women haven’t yet figured out how to be more like men. I mean, more like Rex Harrison. You know, ‘enry ‘iggins.

So, here’s what Henry Higgins has to say on this subject. It helps if you sort of sing it softly to yourself. (You can find it on itunes if you’ve never heard it.) And don’t say I’m not doing anything to improve your education:

“Why Can’t a Woman Be More Like a Man?”
music by Frederick Loewe; lyrics by Alan Jay Lerner
PROFESSOR HIGGINS:
Why can’t a woman be more like a man?
Men are so honest, so thoroughly square;
Eternally noble, historically fair.
Who, when you win, will always give your back a pat.
Why can’t a woman be like that?

Why does every one do what the others do?
Can’t a woman learn to use her head?
Why do they do everything their mothers do?
Why don’t they grow up, well, like their father instead?

Why can’t a woman take after a man?
Men are so pleasant, so easy to please.
Whenever you’re with them, you’re always at ease.

Would you be slighted if I didn’t speak for hours?

COLONEL PICKERING:
Of course not.

PROFESSOR HIGGINS:
Would you be livid if I had a drink or two?

COLONEL PICKERING:
Nonsense.

PROFESSOR HIGGINS:
Would you be wounded if I never sent you flowers?

COLONEL PICKERING:
Never.

PROFESSOR HIGGINS:
Well, why can’t a woman be like you?

One man in a million may shout a bit.
Now and then, there’s one with slight defects.
One perhaps whose truthfulness you doubt a bit,
But by and large we are a marvelous sex!

Why can’t a woman take after a man?
‘Cause men are so friendly, good-natured and kind.
A better companion you never will find.

If I were hours late for dinner would you bellow?

COLONEL PICKERING:
Of course not.

PROFESSOR HIGGINS:
If I forgot your silly birthday, would you fuss?

COLONEL PICKERING:
Nonsense.

PROFESSOR HIGGINS:
Would you complain if I took out another fellow?

Pickering
Never.

PROFESSOR HIGGINS:
Why can’t a woman be like us?

[dialog]

PROFESSOR HIGGINS:
Why can’t a woman be more like a man?
Men are so decent, such regular chaps;
Ready to help you through any mishaps;
Ready to buck you up whenever you’re glum.
Why can’t a woman be a chum?

Why is thinking something women never do?
And why is logic never even tried?
Straightening up their hair is all they ever do.
Why don’t they straighten up the mess that’s inside?

Why can’t a woman behave like a man?
If I was a woman who’d been to a ball,
Been hailed as a princess by one and by all;
Would I start weeping like a bathtub overflowing,
Or carry on as if my home were in a tree?
Would I run off and never tell me where I’m going?
Why can’t a woman be like me?

And that, Dear Reader, is all I have to say tonight.