Taking a page from John McCain’s flight plan I mean, play book, I mean book of GREAT IDEAS, I’m going to cancel all debate on the following irksome subjects:
1. First, no more talking about who walks the dog. YOU walk the dog because there is nothing in the world you love more than the dog. I, on the other hand, love at least six or seven things more than the dog. (Don’t tell him okay? He did make the long list of things I love.)
2. While we’re at it, I’d like to pull out of the debate on whether you can have a youtube account. You can’t. Weirdos wil be looking at your videos and leaving weird comments. Yes, most of them are your friends from middle school. No, I mean, really honey, I didn’t mean to call your friends weirdos. You have lovely friends. I’m not worried about them. I’m worried about the weirdos.
3. Oh, and also another debate I believe we need never have again is the one about why I use so much water when I wash the dishes. I just DO. I save the environment in ways you can’t even imagine doing: for example, I actually recycle the newspapers and the junk mail, items you have apparently decided look better in the landfill than in our nice blue recycling bin.
4. There will be no further debate about bedtime. You go to bed at 8:45 with lights out at 9 because I say so. Believe me, I have done extensive research about sleep and I can only get as much sleep as I have discovered I need if your lights are out at 9.
5. We need no longer debate about why I don’t like to listen to your reports about how windy it was on the bay today. You have been windsurfing for the 25 years I have known you. In all that time, the wind reports — which can take up to 30 minutes to deliver — could be summed up in one of two ways: it is either windy or it isn’t. I could guess and be right at least half the time. I’m comfortable with that level of knowledge.
Having cancelled all these debates, I have suddenly discovered I have time to take a nap. Who says I’m not presidential?